Been to hell and back again.

While I was in hospital I had to have a lumber puncture, just like last year, to remove excess brain-spine liquid to a) relieve the pressure and b) get it analysed. During the procedure I had a bad trip on Entonox (50% O2 and 50% N2O), which is the stuff they make you breathe so that you don't mind about the pain (big needles in your back). The problem they encountered this time was that when I was lying on my side I wasn't straight enough, so they couldn't aim properly (much precision required with this kind of thing). So they had me sit up. That didn't work the first time either, because they didn't get me round enough. So it was only at the third attempt that they finally managed to get it right. Which meant I got a triple dose of the laughing gas. Unfortunately at such a large amount its analgesic effects become so strong it acts as an anæsthetic. So I fell asleep.

I was aware of it happening to me, but I couldn't do anything about it. And because my whole body had gone numb, there was just me in "the dark bit behind the eyes". No means of communicating, no feelings, nothing. Just me and my thoughts. My thoughts, though, weren't so nice. I believed I was going to remain in that state forever, and never die. It was horrible, the thought of such solitude. and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That's definitely motivated me to stay away from drugs now...